January 14, 2011

This is Not a Meme.

I remember in my early twenties I would be confronted with a lot of people expressing their utter amazement at some of the ways in which I would betray their opinions of me.  So much so that I began to use the phrase "Regardless of the kind of person you think I am, I will prove you wrong."  I even had a shirt that read WHATEVER YOU ARE LOOKING FOR, YOU WON'T FIND IT HERE.  It became a bit of a sad joke because if someone thought I was intelligent, the would find out that I spelt 'definitely' wrong for the first twenty three years of my life. If they thought I was classy, they would listen to me tell a story about secretions at a dinner party. If they thought I was cool, they would see my face light up when Wave Babies came on the radio.  Apparently, the only thing I have ever done with any consistency is disappoint people.

And I continue to.

It does not bother me, though.  I have an issue with disappointment anyway, as I am pretty certain most disappointment is a result of misjudgement by the disappointed party. I prefer to be human than perfect, fun than cool, curious than smart, and beautiful than pretty.

That being said, here is a list of things that are sure to make people cringe the next time they see me.  Embarrassing, sometimes shameful, ridiculous, and disappointing parts of me...

I LOVE hip hop music.  Like, LOVE it.  Even the kind of bad stuff.  I could listen to Pete Rock every day for the rest of my life.  I enjoy the funkier part of it, but it all makes me happy.  I'd listen to KRS-One over Led Zeppelin.  No lie.

I cry all the time.  Over everything.  Happy things, sad things, hormonal things.  That study that was published that found that men were turned off at the sight and scent of a woman's tears just made my forehead hit the keyboard.  Besides the fact that men are apparently turned off by ANYTHING, personally, this is terrible news for me.

I cheat at Scrabble.  I make up words all the time.  I was excellent at Balderdash because my definitions always sound so plausible.  I used to use my made up words in my teen years just to see if I could convince people I was more well-read and intelligent than I really was.  It always worked.  This is why I have a hard time reading people's poetry.  I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who has talked out of their ass for attention.

I am TERRIBLE at doing math in my head.  Like, really bad.  

I constantly struggle between my desire for something and my inherent need to continue to live as lazily as possible.  It's almost as though my starting line is sleep and everything beyond that takes effort.  It is amazing, really.  I have had moments when showering feels as exhausting as going to the gym.  I have had days when I haven't eaten because making food is trumped by not getting off the couch. And I don't even smoke marijuana.

I really, really, really, really want to witness an autopsy.  

I don't believe in good or bad.  I think they are relative terms.  I, therefore, do not believe in behaviour as being inherently good or bad.  This has resulted in people being very disgusted with me, shouting things like "So, you don't think RAPE is bad?!", "You don't have a problem with what HITLER did?!?!?" 

I drink often, but get drunk very very rarely.  I don't especially enjoy getting drunk anymore.  Due to the alcoholism in my family, I have spent time worried that it may lead to something terrible.  When it does, I will let you know.  So far, I liken it to a very European lifestyle. I do spend a lot of time in pubs.

I have had long hair for so much of my life, I am afraid cutting it all off would change my entire personality.  How ridiculous is that?

I like using the word 'retarded' and am upset that people are so offending by it.  I mean, I get it, I would just rather we focused a bit more of our attention on what people are intending with their words rather than the words themselves.  We can take away all the bad words, people will still hurt other people's feelings.  In the meantime, I can't use fun words.  It sucks.

I am too quick to assess people's intelligence by their grammar, spelling, and sentence structure.  Don't even get me started on purposeful word manipulation like "prolly", "adorbs", "puter", and text lingo.  Fuck ME.

I don't think Jesus ever existed at all.

I don't believe humans or animals are necessarily hard-wired to be monogamous.  That being said, I do think that it is easier when you find someone who satisfies all of our instinctual needs.

I appreciate manners for the purpose of social courtesy, but traditional behavioural structure drives me nuts.  The "because I said so", or "because it's just always been that way" reasoning doesn't wash with me.  I also don't think that traditions mean a damn thing unless they come from you. 

I loathe funerals and refuse to be buried.  If I had it my way, all the land dedicated to the dead would have low-income housing built on it.  What a waste.  No disrespect to the dead, but the living are dying because the dead need space?  

Some days, I WILL wear the same pair of socks twice.  Don't judge me. 

I have peed in the shower.  It's not a habit or anything, but I've done it.

I would rather be really really thin than grossly overweight because the feeling of skin rolling over and touching other skin icks me out.

I am needy sometimes. Like, really needy. I don't know how Greg does it.

I have a terrible fear of living my life and not having made anything any better.  I know my limitations (I'm not heading up Doctors Without Borders any time soon) and so I try to do a lot of small things instead, like make people laugh, encourage their greatness, and give them presents. 

This is one of the main reasons I am even writing right now.  Maybe someone else will feel better about themselves after reading this.

How could you NOT, really...


poprocketsandcomics said...

Oh my needy, needy bee! How anyone could be disappointed by you is beyond me!

p.s I spelled disappointed wrong both tines I've tried to spell it in this comment.

Fiercecalm said...

And then you typo "tines". You can't win.


Sam said...

I seriously, literally was just singing the praises of the use of the term "retarded" (especially when in a Nova Scotian accent)to a friend this morning. Seriously, like an hour before I read this.
I do not wish to witness an autopsy, but I feel the same way about my long hair. I suck donkey balls at doing math in my head! I love listening to pop/dance music.
This post reminds me of why we are friends. See the addition to my resolutions list on my site. You are not a disappointment but an ever-evolving surprise and delight, with good intentions to boot.
As for Jesus, who the hell really knows? Ha.

Fiercecalm said...

You added a Bee resolution!! I love it and we must make that one happen!!
LoveLoveLove you.

Anonymous said...

You really should blog more often. I hang on your words. You are amazing.


Anonymous said...

I'm with you on the hair thing. I cannot bring myself to cut my long hair. It would be like losing an arm...it's fucking retarded.