November 23, 2010

"Do it over, do it right... do it again and again... sometimes you just have to dance naked in the rain..."

A lot of people think that if they could mix and match characteristics and traits from all of their previous relationships, just cherry pick their favorite things about each person that they’ve been with, that they could create the ideal mate. She would have this one’s sense of humor, and that one’s body, and this one’s face, and that one’s career, and this one’s fashion sense, and that one’s parents, and this one’s apartment, and that one’s political views, and on and on until I had the girl of my dreams. But there are two problems with this plan, in addition to the fact that the technology just isn’t there (yet) to make it realistic. First of all, it overlooks the excitement and unpredictability of meeting someone wholly new and learning about them. And second of all, what if it turns out that there’s something you’d really be into that you didn’t even know was an option? Like maybe it turns out you’re really into middle-aged women who spin around in circles with a video camera and recite horrible, awful poetry about dancing naked in the rain?

Prepare to fall in love.

People Still Dig Christmas, Right?

I mean, I know the "sanctity" of it has been diluted, neglected, and washboarded into a marketing nightmare, but still... people make the most of it, yes?

I have never been religious enough to consider it Jesus' birthday, and if I was I would no doubt still realize his birthday was in August.  I do not have childen to keep the illusion alive for.  My family probably finds me the exhausting one; no keeping up appearances for their sake.  It is just for me.  I love it and force those around me to as well, lest they kill me in my sleep.
I just enjoy being able to have a reason to be blissfully indulgent.  Indulgent in food, drink, appreciation, gifts (giving and receiving), friendships, generosity, etc.
It is like spring break but with snow.
And it is a great way to end a year and start another... with new stuff and a reason to go to the gym again.

Anyway, I already have the decorations up, the baking planned, the movies cued, and the parties marked on the calender.  If you need a bit of the cheesy Christmas spirit, you know where to find me.

P.S.  Watch Modern Family if you are not already.

November 11, 2010


This is for you, Shawn...

I don't know about you, but I can't wait to get my hands on some fucking gourds and arrange them in a horn-shaped basket on my dining room table. That shit is going to look so seasonal. I'm about to head up to the attic right now to find that wicker fucker, dust it off, and jam it with an insanely ornate assortment of shellacked vegetables. When my guests come over it's gonna be like, BLAMMO! Check out my shellacked decorative vegetables, assholes. Guess what season it is—fucking fall. There's a nip in the air and my house is full of mutant fucking squash.
I may even throw some multi-colored leaves into the mix, all haphazard like a crisp October breeze just blew through and fucked that shit up. Then I'm going to get to work on making a beautiful fucking gourd necklace for myself. People are going to be like, "Aren't those gourds straining your neck?" And I'm just going to thread another gourd onto my necklace without breaking their gaze and quietly reply, "It's fall, fuckfaces. You're either ready to reap this freaky-assed harvest or you're not."
Carving orange pumpkins sounds like a pretty fitting way to ring in the season. You know what else does? Performing an all-gourd reenactment of an episode of Diff'rent Strokes—specifically the one when Arnold and Dudley experience a disturbing brush with sexual molestation. Well, this shit just got real, didn't it? Felonies and gourds have one very important commonality: they're both extremely fucking real. Sorry if that's upsetting, but I'm not doing you any favors by shielding you from this anymore.
The next thing I'm going to do is carve one of the longer gourds into a perfect replica of the Mayflower as a shout-out to our Pilgrim forefathers. Then I'm going to do lines of blow off its hull with a hooker. Why? Because it's not summer, it's not winter, and it's not spring. Grab a calendar and pull your fucking heads out of your asses; it's fall, fuckers.
Have you ever been in an Italian deli with salamis hanging from their ceiling? Well then you're going to fucking love my house. Just look where you're walking or you'll get KO'd by the gauntlet of misshapen, zucchini-descendant bastards swinging from above. And when you do, you're going to hear a very loud, very stereotypical Italian laugh coming from me. Consider yourself warned.
For now, all I plan to do is to throw on a flannel shirt, some tattered overalls, and a floppy fucking hat and stand in the middle of a cornfield for a few days. The first crow that tries to land on me is going to get his avian ass bitch-slapped all the way back to summer.
Welcome to autumn, fuckheads! 

-Colin Nissan

November 8, 2010

Prolly is Not Probably.

I understand internet slang.  I abhor it, but I get it.
If you are a fifteen year old who texts 1500 times a day, you have to cut shit down a bit.
And yes, it is turning our teen generation into illiterate punks, but that isn't the point of this particular rant.
I just can't stand it when people use, and at some points even SAY, "prolly".

"Shannon is prolly just in the shower..."

"You're an idiot."

November 7, 2010

Ari Doesn't Take Sundays Off.

Do Conservatives/ Republicans just blame everything they don't like on the Democrats?  I mean, this just sounds RIDICULOUSLY catty.  A comment from one of his subscribers:
"It's the product of the hideous and idiotic designer, Narcisco Rodriguez who makes shit out of tin foil and the liberals adore him."   
How is this a LIBERAL decision?  Maybe she just liked the dress...  Oh, forget it.

I watched this video.  It is of a middle eastern father recording his daughter naming numerous country's capitals.  Like most dads, he is most likely proud of how smart his little girl is.  And now, while calling THEM terrorists, Ari has posted this video and spoken about how they deserve to be "eradicated".  No peace.  


Because THEY are the violent, unreasonable monsters.

I really hope it occurs to them sooner rather than later that this attitude is just creating more terrorists...

November 2, 2010

Little Bee's Christmas List 2010.

I know it's early... wanna fight about it?
Here is my wish list for Christmas this year, but feel free to also use it for possible ideas for family and friends.  I can't be the only one who loves this stuff...
An e-reader that is compatible with any and all ebook libraries.  Not back-lit, small in size (weighs 8 ounces and can fit in any handbag), and holds 1000+ books.  Also has a USB port so you and your Kobo buddies can pass books around.  Gave one as a gift.  It's so awesome now I want one.

EARTH (book)
Jon Stewart is Most Influential Man of the Year for a reason.
I have a decanter but since Greg doesn't drink wine, sometimes an entire bottle to myself on a Tuesday is a bit much. This will allow me to drink a glass or two and not have to dump the whole bottle.
My last one died and now we are forced to played DVDs on the laptop when cooking experimental dishes and making a mess in there.
It's just not the same.
My other 2 are now at max capacity and if I don't get another, I will start freaking out because I am missing a ton of podcasts and Marc Maron is putting them up there like gangbusters.  Luckily, Greg should have this one covered... AHEM.
Really, ANYTHING from Saje would be divine.  Their essential oil blends are incredible.  I have been hooked on their products since I was 17 and learning about aromatherapy.
There are new vegetable oil candles at Lush right now. 
Soy candles do not create soot, they use no petroleum bi-products, and if they spill or drip on anything the only thing you need to do to wipe it off is get it warm again.  They are great.  Also, for people with sensitive lungs, they won't trigger any inflammation or cause toxins in the air.  Obviously important around our house.

Will Update Soon...

November 1, 2010

Ari of the Day.

It's like that, is it?


Email Regarding Cesar Millan's Book Tour... Yikes.

"I went and SAW Cesar's "show" last night in Victoria, BC and I will be SHOCKED if I am the first person to write you in regards to that garbage. For the entire last half of the seminar I was composing this email to you in my head in complete ANGER. The first half started out fine... he was charming and funny and me and my sister decided we didn't CARE if you were right and he was a prick we loved him anyways....

THEN he kicked off the second half after intermission by comparing dogs to women in third world countries. Not even kidding you. You see Lainey, dogs today have too much food and affection. They are fat and loved but they have no discipline and exercise and therefore are unhappy.... women in third world countries, well they have no food and no affection but plenty of discipline and exercise and they are unhappy too. You see? Dogs and women need food, love, discipline and exercise, all FOUR....just imagine if you tried to tell a woman to go to the gym... you have to TRICK them into doing it HAR HAR HAR... just like dogs. The arena went SILENT. This comparison carried on for about 5 minutes while he tried to dig himself out. It didn't work and he has lost me and I HOPE any other woman in that arena at that point.

The show went downhill pretty quickly from that point on. Some other points of disbelief and total stupidity included:

* Asking an audience member who adopted her dog from Kuwait if that was a place in Victoria
* Not understanding that Victoria was a City in a PROVINCE IN CANADA and not Canada in its entirety
* Many, many, Many "Jokes" regarding his illegal boarder jumping to America, immigration and Tacos
* The show in its entirety being laced with American jabs. The fat people, too stupid to walk a dog, the only race to elect and re-elect and follow an unstable "pack leader"

I can't WAIT until he brings this garbage to the States. I recognize that we as Canadians are probably to polite to boo him off the stage but I hope that SOMEONE WILL. He actually had a perfect analogy for it... The reason the little dogs think they are bigger and better than everyone else at the dog park is because they live in the arms of their master, at eye level, taller than all the other dogs. That's Cesar in a nut shell... being carried around on top of his fame and money and thinking he is better than everyone else. It is disgusting.

That is 3 hours and 70 dollars of my life I will never get back!"